Challenging Topics
Every parent dreads challenging topics like; ‘where do I come from?’ or ‘why don’t we see Grandpa anymore?’ A recent survey that was conducted for a TV programme, showed us that 6 out of 10 parents admit to making up answers when faced with a difficult or embarrassing question, rather than talking openly.
Now, this could be OK if we’re dealing with the Tooth Fairy or Father Christmas, but when discussing the bigger issues such as death, sex and divorce, there are much better approaches for the both of you.
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple” – Dr Seuss
Be honest.
Questions which are challenging for us as adults, aren’t to your child. They’re just looking for clarity. Young children are ‘concrete thinkers’ - meaning they can’t yet think in an abstract or hypothetical way, so telling them ‘the stork brings babies’ or that a passed loved one has ‘gone to sleep’, just confuses, or even scares them
Talk and listen
Get in the habit of making sure you have quality time together to chat, inculcating good family customs. This will help create an environment where your child will feel safe and comfortable talking with you. A bedtime story with a ‘talking point’ is a great place to begin. OJO recommends reading ‘Missing Mummy’ by Rebecca Cobb.
Anticipate
Get your game face ready for when these questions arise! It’s important not to look or sound fazed when you’re hit with ‘the question’. I vividly remember wishing the Earth would swallow me whole at toddler group, when my 3-year-old daughter asked in the loudest voice why the health visitor who has come to talk to us all… was so fat!
Don’t over explain
Before you embark on a long explanation about a topic such as same sex relationships, be clear about what your child is asking you. Only tell them what they need to know for the moment - you can always come back to the discussion later to give them more information. A former colleague of mine, who was struggling to tell her twins that they were conceived through IVF, gave me this little tale:
“Son came home from school and asked the dreaded ‘Mummy, where did I come from?’ Then after a deep breath, began a detailed explanation of the IVF process which lead to his and his sister’s birth. He listened attentively, said nothing for a while and then said, ‘my new friend Archie says he’s from Sheffield!’
Show them you’re happy they asked
Always make the point you’re glad they’re asking you questions, and give information which fits with your family values. Aim for a conversation not a lecture. When you answer directly rather than trying to wriggle out of the issue, your child learns that they can come to you with any question in the future.
Use correct terms
When children ask about bodies it can be quite awkward. If you can make it matter-of-fact and use the proper names for sexual organs, you’ll set a great example. It’s worth noting that children in year 2 will discuss the subject and be given worksheets which use this vocabulary, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t at home.
Talk in the right environment
Tesco isn’t exactly the best place to discuss what happened to the much-loved, recently deceased, family pet. So, a little distraction is OK, as long as when you get back home you bring the subject up and discuss it openly.
